I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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