And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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