I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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