hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
