The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
