I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of course I have a pirate flag
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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