I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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