Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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