I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
