the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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