I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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