I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
