Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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