Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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