He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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