help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
