don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
