Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
