Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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