Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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