i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
