In America we eat man semen.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
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Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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