I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
