wrigley field is MILF paradise
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
