Michael Bay diarrhea
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
