Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i came on her dog
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
