she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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