i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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