you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He felt like a one man threesome
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
