I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
