If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
home. puking in laundry basket.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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