I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
