Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
