I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize