My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
