Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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