I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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