if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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