You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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