the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
