I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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