so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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