College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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