fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
