happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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