No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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