My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
