When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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