there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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