I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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