Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
