Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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