I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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