Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
