You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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